So..how do I begin this? Hmm... With a sigh, I guess. (sighs) Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good person. And this is why... I got a phone call yesterday from a gal that I haven't spoken to or seen in over a year. We used to be BEST friends...We grew up together, grew in our faith together... We were soul sisters! I'd never been so open and honest with another human being before (besides my husband). Our conversations would always end with, "Oh my gosh. I've neverrr told anyone that before..." or "You're the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH that knows about that.." Etc. Yet, about 2 years ago we started drifting apart. She was busy... I was busy...Things changed. I felt I tried. I'm not sure what she would say...
Lots of voicemails, failed invitations, and a handful of emails later, I got a call. She left a message for me to, "call back to catch up...it's been so long..." etc. That's nice. Honest. I appreciate her taking the time (not being sarcastic). And I'm going to call her back and "catch up"--- But that's about as far as it will go... Talk about life events that have happened the past year?!? Sure. Absolutely! Talk about my deepest fears, innermost dreams, and hopes? No. Not any more. Does that make me a bad person? It sure feels like it... But my heart is not into pursuing that friendship anymore. I just can't bring myself to "how it used to be" with her. Not now...probably never.
I really feel like a pot of burned beans for feeling like this and coming to this conclusion... I used to want to be best friends with EVERYONE ... In fact, I used to think I had to be best friends with every sister in Christ I met. Haha! Seriously! I thought friendships formed with other believers would be different. Sacred. Lasting. Drama-less. I was naive... But not so much anymore...I guess I just don't want to get too close so readily with anyone... or at all. Friendly?? Yes. Coffee dates? Sure. Help moving or lending cash if someone is in need? OF COURSE! I want to be a "good neighbor" to everyone... But therein lies the difference with how I want to approach people henceforth (Gosh! I love that word). You should expect me to be a good neighbor...But close friends? I only have about 2 at the moment (not counting Lovey). And I'm happy with that.
Surely you think I'm evil right now... I mean look at me! I look vexed and villainous with that pensive brow, black top, and heavy eye makeup up above (Who does that during the summer, unless there's a storm a'brewing inside??) Gosh! I just have abandonment and trust issues. (Can you tell? Haha!) Forgive? Yes. But forget?? It's hard to forget when people you thought would be by your side for the rest of your life, aren't.
PS. Don't get me wrong. She's an amazing girl. But I'd prefer to be a good neighbor from a distance and that's it. Surely that's not so bad. Right?
PPS. Gosh. I'm so deep lately. For something more lighthearted, read yesterday's post, Janette the Dog. Haha! I make a pretty cute dog no doubt.