Janette the Ex-Best Friend


So..how do I begin this? Hmm... With a sigh, I guess. (sighs) Sometimes I wonder if I'm a good person.  And this is why... I got a phone call yesterday from a gal that I haven't spoken to or seen in over a year. We used to be BEST friends...We grew up together, grew in our faith together... We were soul sisters! I'd never been so open and honest with another human being before (besides my husband). Our conversations would always end with, "Oh my gosh. I've neverrr told anyone that before..." or "You're the ONLY PERSON ON EARTH that knows about that.." Etc. Yet, about 2 years ago we started drifting apart. She was busy... I was busy...Things changed. I felt I tried. I'm not sure what she would say...

Lots of voicemails, failed invitations, and a handful of emails later, I got a call. She left a message for me to, "call back to catch up...it's been so long..." etc. That's nice. Honest. I appreciate her taking the time (not being sarcastic). And I'm going to call her back and "catch up"--- But that's about as far as it will go... Talk about life events that have happened the past year?!? Sure. Absolutely! Talk about my deepest fears, innermost dreams, and hopes? No. Not any more. Does that make me a bad person? It sure feels like it... But my heart is not into pursuing that friendship anymore. I just can't bring myself to "how it used to be" with her. Not now...probably never.

I really feel like a pot of burned beans for feeling like this and coming to this conclusion... I used to want to be best friends with EVERYONE ... In fact, I used to think I had to be best friends with every sister in Christ I met. Haha! Seriously! I thought friendships formed with other believers would be different. Sacred. Lasting. Drama-less. I was naive... But not so much anymore...I guess I just don't want to get too close so readily with anyone... or at all. Friendly?? Yes. Coffee dates? Sure. Help moving or lending cash if  someone is in need? OF COURSE! I want to be a "good neighbor" to everyone...  But therein lies the difference with how I want to approach people henceforth (Gosh! I love that word). You should expect me to be a good neighbor...But close friends? I only have about 2 at the moment (not counting Lovey). And I'm happy with that.

Surely you think I'm evil right now... I mean look at me! I look vexed and villainous with that pensive brow, black top, and heavy eye makeup up above (Who does that during the summer, unless there's a storm a'brewing inside??) Gosh! I just have abandonment and trust issues. (Can you tell? Haha!) Forgive? Yes. But forget?? It's hard to forget when people you thought would be by your side for the rest of your life, aren't.


PS. Don't get me wrong. She's an amazing girl. But I'd prefer to be a good neighbor from a distance and that's it. Surely that's not so bad. Right?

PPS. Gosh. I'm so deep lately. For something more lighthearted, read yesterday's post, Janette the Dog. Haha! I make a pretty cute dog no doubt.

19 comments

  1. I don't think you're bad or wrong. :)

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  2. There's nothing wrong with that, and I know exactly how you feel.

    It seems like I'm always the one trying to reach out and be friends with people. I was best friends with someone for 10 years, but after she got a boyfriend, we drifted apart, even though I tried so many times to reconnect. I haven't spoken to her for 5 years now. My other friend (who was probably the only other person I was close to) got married in October and I haven't heard from her in almost a year. I've reached out but am ignored. It makes me question if they were ever true friends to begin wth. I'm not very good at making friends anyway, and don't really have any now. Just "aquaintences" who I'll talk to every few months. Sorry for the long post... I'm going on a rant here.

    Lauren
    http://laurensweetnothings.blogspot.com/

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  3. That isn't bad, at all! I grew up with a group of girls and once we went to college, we'd still get together on occasion when we were all at home, but now we've all found our own places to be with people that we are closer with. I don't consider them my "best" friends anymore and most of what I talk about with them is just -on the surface- kind of stuff. There is no shame in not wanting to share every little thing with her. People grow apart...even when one does try to reconnect.

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  4. My mom always told me that it's okay to not be best friends with the same people your whole life. That's been a hard lesson for me to learn because I'm never ready to be done with my friends when the end comes. And people grow apart and life happens and things change and it's okay. I know, oh how I know, that it hurts and sucks and is stupid but you'll get through this and you'll move on and it's okay to only have your husband and two other friends. Protect your heart and the people who care about that will come to you. I have a lot of "ex best friends" because being a friend is hard. Because I'm picky and have trust issues and I'm shy and introverted and all that jazz. Be thankful for your husband and let God be the guide to your friendships. <3

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  5. Friendships change.. It's natural.

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  6. I've had the same thing happen. Sometimes it is just the way life goes! It doesn't make you a horrible person, it just makes you human.

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  7. I was actually just thinking about this yesterday, just going through and evaluating, like my friendships and stuffs, you know? And I remembered that in second grade, I started at a new school and I met these two girls, and of course, at that age, we all thought we'd be best friends forever. Naive as I was, I believed it, but I guess not. I mean, I'm still best friends with one of them, and not because she's sitting right next to me, but the other one, well, we hardly talk anymore. It kinda sucks, but I guess that's part of it! Thanks for writing about it Janette!

    <3Hima

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  8. I really appreciate your honesty on your blog. I don't think that this makes you a bad person, life changes and so do people. It is natural for friendship to change. As well as your choice in knowing what friendships you want to pursue and keep strong. I completely know how you are feeling and am glad to know I'm not alone.
    xo

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  9. Janette. I couldn't have written a better explanation of what you are trying to say myself...I totally can relate to this post!! And if I may delve a little bit into snarkiness, I've found that as I get older, sometimes "friends" cause more hurt than good. At least that is what I have dealt with. I seem to attract people that get close to me, learn about my weaknesses, then turn against me. (and shame on me, I tend to be an oversharer.) This was actually one of my 2012 resolutions...picking and choosing very carefully who I invite into my life. You go girl. You are awesome. Lots of LOVE!!!!

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  10. p.s. Have I told you how much I LOVE LOVE LOVE your new design? I can't remember if I have...but I DO.... I LOVE it!!! So fresh and clean and that picture of you is GORGEOUS!!! You are so photogenic.

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  11. I have been in the same situation before! Don't feel guilty. People change and grow and at times that means that the friendship is going to change as well. I feel like the older I get the more guarded I am. The drama and bullshit that often comes with friendships isn't worth it. Life is dramatic enough! I say choose wisely!

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  12. I am in the current situation right now. BFF of 17 years and I just don't feel the same anymore. I love her, but I don't like who she has become. We grew apart. People grow apart. It's a normal thing babe. So don't feel guilty that you don't wanna be her BFF. I have found out lately that you honestly don't really need friends. Weird huh?

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  13. You are in no wrong whatsoever honey. Life has changed for you and for her, so its natural. Yes, you may want to get together to see how things are going, but now you have your guard up because you gave it a chance before. Remember you have to love yourself first and be your own best friend. So trust your gut, trust that you need to take care of you...lots of lovely hugs to you!

    xoxo
    Andie

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  14. i can totally identify with this. our friendship with one of our closest friends has become a bit difficult and we heard from other people lots of things that were being said, and we were upset as we felt we had tried and gone above and beyond {but maybe their view is different}. we cleared the air which was great and talked about it. and it is better but, i feel bad saying this, it will never be what it once was because too much has happened.

    and i think this is what your twenties are for: you learn who your true friends are.

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  15. I do not think you are a bad person at all because I know exactly what you are saying. I am going through the same thing right now. Friends that I used to spend all day and all night talking to and growing with just aren't there anymore. Well, they are around, just not there in the front of my mind like my besties used to be. Especially as I am getting married I am figuring out who I need in my life for the good and the bad times and who I need for just the good. There is a big difference.

    It is natural. And your posts like this is why I love following you!

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  16. There is nothing wrong with your decision AT ALL. I feel the same way with one of my good friends right now--I mean, we used to be a lot closer, or at least I thought we were. We went through a huge thing with her ex--I was the bad guy for a while then she realized I saw something she was blind to and we started talking again. But I was hurt--like seriously, cannot bring myself to really get involved with anyone anymore. Anyway, she wants to pick up where we left off--it really doesn't work that way in my book. It takes a while to build trust. So, you are doing the right thing--and you have your hubs--that's your #1...and your family. You don't have to overwhelm yourself with others' drama and be at their beckon' call. That's not your responsibility. Boundaries will save your sanity. We are human. Love ya!

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  17. i can relate... i'm going through something similar. friends and relationships change... and for me, distance has also been a factor. :( things just aren't the same in a lot of ways, and it bums me out...
    but you can only try so much...

    and at least we have supportive and wonderful hubbys! ;)

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  18. If you want to talk.. Friendships, or anything.. Email/text me! (: I might be able to get you...

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  19. You are not a bad person!. As we get older, time often comes between people. People change. I'm going through something similar with a good friend I've known for many years. She's changing, I'm changing, and I actually have a new friend that I'm closer to. A closeness I'll never have again with the old friend.

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Love,
Janette