The Scary Spider Incident

In my life I've had my fair share of scary spider/insect incidents...Once, I was putting on a sweater and I thought somehow a price tag had gotten stuck in one of the sleeves.. I reached my hand in said sleeve to grab said price tag. No big deal... As I began pulling out the tag, I realized it was not a tag at all.... but something BIG. And nasty. And with legs. Disgusted, I threw whatever it was on the floor and to my horror saw that it was my worst nightmare. A ginormous potato bug. (I HATE potato bugs!!). See? Scary insect history right?! (I'll spare you the more severe, heebie jeebie-inducing incidents for another day...)

Anywho... Let me tell you about what happened yesterday...

I was in my car sitting at a stop light  changing the song on Pandora (coming home from a failed boot shopping trip)... I glanced up at the stoplight to see if it had turned green and instead noticed a spider (yellow and brown) near my visor... Well...being the calm and collected individual that I am, I didn't freak out. I've been in a similar scenario before. In fact one time, a spider dangled right in front of my face while I was driving... (Business as usual, right?) I  hurriedly  looked for something to squash the beasty...(No mercy would be shown. If there's one thing I can't allow, it's spiders claiming their stake and raising their kids in my automobile) So, I finally found an empty cup to do the job...(Insert deep breath)

I inched my cup (bottoms down) toward my unwelcome passenger... Slowly.... Slowly.... Smash! (Success!! Hooray!! Oh no! Wait a minute!) Nevermind!  The fiendish critter jumped (I HATE jumping spiders)....fell on my thigh and crawled in between my legs and heaven knows where else. (Thank God I was wearing jeans.) Of course, the light turned green at this fortuitous moment... So what did I do? I put my foot on the gas, drove on, and then began wriggling like a maniac trying to squash the spider with my bum . After about 2 minutes of wriggling I stopped and composed myself. (Deep breath Janette. Think.)  I was about 2 miles from home...and I decided I wasn't going to pull over... I would just bear the consequences of having a potentially poisonous and burrowing spider between my legs.

The drive home lasted foreverrrrr and a million thoughts raced through my head.  Mainly just two thoughts. One: Is there a hole in my jeans near my secrets?!!!!!  And two: Oh gosh! It's crawled up to my hair somehow, I just know it!!!!!! Yipes! You can imagine my distress. I cringed a lot,  whimpered a little, didn't wait my turn at a 4-way stop, and cut off an elderly couple. (I knew they'd understand if they knew what was really going on!)
And now here's the happy ending...

I finally pulled into my driveway, exited my car, dusted my bum, and looked at my driver's seat... There in a little curled up ball, I found my unwelcome companion...dead...squashed by my weight, and smashed a second time (for good measure) So why am I sharing this story? Well two reasons:  1.) I'm proud of the fact that I was fairly collected and composed under such a high stress situation. And 2.) I killed a spider with my butt............................Have you ever done that? Nah. Didn't think so ;-)


Your spider-squashing extraordinaire,

16 comments

  1. haha that's so scary. I had to google what a potato bug is, they're pretty freaky looking.
    One time I visited my grandma in Virginia and I couldn't hear for 2 days so they brought me to the doctor to see if i busted an eardrum or something. Well, the doctor took his flashlight and tweezers and pulled out a beetle(they had been flying around EVERYWHERE). A beetle had burrowed into my ear. I have never visited Virginia again. :p

    -Arielle

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  2. Oh my gosh this is a hilarious story! You were much more calm and collected than I would have been. My horror story is that I went to put my shoes on and thought there was a rock in them but really, it was a beetle! So gross! haha.
    Thanks for stopping by my blog- I'm loving yours. Following! :)

    Bekah
    If Work Permits

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  3. Hahahahahhaahahahahahaha!!! "killed a spider w my butt". Oh my goodness I was laughing so hard!!! You poor thing! I would have freaked out!

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  4. And boooo for failed boot shopping trips!

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  5. I could not stop laughing out loud when I read this. OHHH you made my day! And you did handle that much better than I did. But seriously! I was cracking up when you said you cut of elderly people. OHMAHGOODNESS! And no...I've never killed a spider with my butt. You win! LOL

    ps. I think I will be laughing about this tale for the rest of the day!

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  6. I still cannot stop laughing at this! (People in my office must thing this motion I'm writing is really freakin' hilarious.) This is amazing!! I hate spiders. I used to show them mercy by capturing and releasing them outside, rather than squishing them. But two years ago, a creepy little beast bit me while I was sleeping. Right next to my eye. My eye lid turned red and puffy for about a week and I had a huge lump right near my ear, which my doctor explained was a result of the venom draining into my lymph nodes and causing them to swell. I looked like Quasimodo from the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not cool. Now I squish them all.

    PS - I'm working on that post for you and will have it to you over the weekend! Things have been crazy busy around here lately. So sorry!!!

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  7. I would cry for sure!! You were indeed very brave :) Congrats!!!!!!!

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  8. I am laughing so hard I'm crying. You are too funny! I don't think I would have stayed calm, cool, and collected at all. The thoughts racing through your mind would have been some of the same thoughts I would have been having... and I would have probably pulled over immediately. Somehow.

    I cannot believe you killed a spider with your butt. That's just awesome.

    Oh and I looked up a picture of a potato bug and threw up in my mouth a little. Those buggers look gross!

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  9. LOL!!! During this whole post I was a big mess of crazy goosebumps and laughs! :) You are amazing to keep driving. I would have pulled over, jumped out, and given everybody a show with some crazy dance to shake the 8-legged-freak off me. hahahaha!!! Good job though on squishing him with your bum. rock on :)

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  10. I'm freaking out for you, but this also really cracked me up. Especially when you wondered if there was a hole next to your "secrets."

    It's SO hard to remain calm, so I'm proud of you! I once was driving my car and turned around to see a bee right on my headrest. (I'm really afraid of bees.) I was super proud of myself for not freaking out and crashing. However, cockroaches are the one thing I cannot stand so I was not calm when one came out of the drain while I was showering. (I believe we already discussed this incident, right? And you had a cockroach story, too?)

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  11. Haha, I loved this! I've linked it on my Monday 'start your week off with..' feature.

    Lauren
    http://tasteslikelove.blogspot.com

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  12. Haha. LOL. That is funny, oh girl only you! haha ;)

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  13. I'm impressed - I would definitely have freaked out! And "near my secrets" was my favorite part, it's so hilarious!

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  14. oh man, you really got me going with this one lades! spiders are my big phobia and probz one of the reasons i don't drive in case something exactly like this ever happened the car would turn into a weapon of mass destruction with me flailing and wailing behind the wheel! love your technique of the kill breakdown, hilarious times 10!

    you are my inspiration sensation, brave butt salute in full effect. xoox ♥

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  15. oh my gosh, you are my new hero for this story! haha. i would NOT have been that composed. in fact i've BEEN in that situation and not been that composed. lol. my story went something like scream, pull over, bolt from car, get back in after much coercing and drive less than a mile to a grocery store where i bought raid and a bug bomb to detonate in my car before i'd drive home. haha. way to go! i may try your method if it happens to me again!

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  16. AAH. AAH. AAAAAAAAAH. JANEETTEE!!! Now you have me scared. Thanks.
    But seriously.. I HATE spiders. Thiis is creepy.

    Your butt must have magical powers.

    ps--boot shopping fails reallllly sucks. really.

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Love,
Janette