Mean Girl

I’m such a meaniepoopiehead sometimes. Let me take you to the dark depths and recesses of a black Janettian heart. This past week, a client came in to drop off some paperwork...Apparently, this gentlemen also wanted to dropped off a long schpiel relaying details of his current life woes and miseries in general. He was a talkative one, expounding on his dealings at the Social Security office, doctors, and such… Once I figured out he was staying beyond the 30 second exchange that a paper handoff should last, my brain and heart turned off…I was half past feeling. Void of empathy. The meanness setting in and pooling.
I. Just. Wanted. Him. To. Stop. Talking. 
I didn’t care if he wasn’t getting his disability check, failing at securing a job, or that he had 24 surgeries since 1996. I wanted him gone so I could resume my life... and I tried to make it obvious.. I limited the eye contact, interjected with disinterested "uh huhs", pretended to be busy....  The man obviously couldn’t take a hint. Finally after about 5 minutes, he left. And after my sigh of relief, I was overcome by sadness. How easily I dismissed a beating heart and breathing soul!! It was almost reflexive.  How heartless can a Jongleur be, counting a human as an inconvenience? Obviously, this gentlemen just needed acknowledgment that his suffering was real...He needed someone to care...
Yet why didn't I care?  
Where is my patience? Where is my kindness?  I felt/feel pretty bad…and while I have (and do) attribute my meanness to feeling subpar myself (physically speaking), needing to get my work done…etc. etc. I can't stop thinking about it. I know I wouldn't be able to help this man, in any conceivable way...But at least I could have listened (at the very least). Sigh central.... He's coming back  next week.
I hope that when I see him...I have a heart.
Image sources: A  B  C


  1. Oh I've been there. I'm a receptionist and it happens a lot! Mainly I just don't want to get in trouble by visiting to much. But sometimes it is because I'm having a bad attitude. I need to do better at this too! I'm with ya!

  2. your heart could never be black, it is all love all the time as far as i'm concerned! and each one of us have moments like that but that fact is, after he left you felt bad and became present, in the moment. that's a true testament to who you are as a person and a lovely soul.

    don't beat yourself up for it, recognize the triggers that took you to a slightly removed, dull place and then allow them to be. knowing where they originate will immediately heal you from the inside out so next time you'll get better at bringing your desired intentions out in front of the darker ones.

    you've got a 2nd chance next week too, i know you'll be the yooj and wondrous j to tha j for him then. it's all good.

    much love lades ♥

  3. I have felt like this at times. Sometimes it's so easy to not care about those that you don't know.

  4. Aww it's okay, it's sometimes hard to be kind all the time...but hey, at least you have a chance to make it up to him! Poor thing.


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